To Battle Self

I was sitting here at work thinking about all the things I could be doing right now if I were at home which I do often as I'm sure many people do as well so i know I'm not alone. =), The one thought that always comes into my mind is.. I could be writing right now, studying, memorizing a poem. something that involved working on my dreams, myself my passion, even something simple as working out for a half hour. But as we all know that day off always comes, we request it or even call out and most people well at least i admittingly do none of the list of things on my to do list.

My question is why especially if what we have to do isn't anything like cleaning or grocery shopping, homework, When it is something we want to do to benefit ourselves, do we ignore it or push it to the side for "another day"? The sad part is that the one day turns into a month and then a year and then years we look back on projects started and never finished. then if like me, depression comes and  the thought that your better than what your allowing yourself to be and the realization that in the end it is no one's fault but your own. Its my own fault for being "there" for everyone else, and not yourself. Why?

I'm actually confronting myself in this because i have often dealt with a fear of success throughout life. A lot of people don't get how one can have a fear of the positive. I think with me its more so a fear of change. A fear of being odd or above average. I am not tooting a horn or raving about anything, I was just always separated by my peers as being slightly different in the way i think and visualize by teachers, even friends some family members and its because of this a part of me always wanted to "blend in". I began to grow into accepting who i am and am now taking it as a blessing, but a small part still battles myself.

To fight against yourself is brutal, never a winner, always a loser, nothing is ever good enough, nothing ever possible. everyone who sees potential sees nothing. crazy isn't it. Not a very good way to live your 20's by way. I'm still growing and finding out how to join opposing forces in to some kind of peace treaty. If only i could be Sweden =).

I'm re reading some of this right now and I'm beginning to ramble so I'll just say this I began writing this because this is how i confront myself, I'm posting this on my blog as a self sacrifice of some sort. maybe someone..anyone.. reading this feels the same. This is by no means an answer but an obvious question. Why do we battle ourselves? In my opinion asking yourself a question is the best why to find the most truthful answers.

mines are:
Why do you give so much of you for the benefit of other people's dreams?
Why is nothing ever good enough for you?
Why is it so easy to shy away from the spot light when others see the potential?

TOUGH lol =)