My soon to be love of my life =) Hopeful

BOSS

What is your Fanatasy car?

Hope & Postivity (prayer)

Clearing mind of previous notions
allow me to keep hope in
all the I believe that is true and just
lead me in the right direction
show me what I deserve vs what i want
what is needed for me to reach my goals
give me the strength to reach high
without stepping on toes
cover me with the energy
to chain souls.
can i continue when the negative energy tells me no?
yes I can because I believe in positivity and hope (repeat)

To Battle Self

I was sitting here at work thinking about all the things I could be doing right now if I were at home which I do often as I'm sure many people do as well so i know I'm not alone. =), The one thought that always comes into my mind is.. I could be writing right now, studying, memorizing a poem. something that involved working on my dreams, myself my passion, even something simple as working out for a half hour. But as we all know that day off always comes, we request it or even call out and most people well at least i admittingly do none of the list of things on my to do list.

My question is why especially if what we have to do isn't anything like cleaning or grocery shopping, homework, When it is something we want to do to benefit ourselves, do we ignore it or push it to the side for "another day"? The sad part is that the one day turns into a month and then a year and then years we look back on projects started and never finished. then if like me, depression comes and  the thought that your better than what your allowing yourself to be and the realization that in the end it is no one's fault but your own. Its my own fault for being "there" for everyone else, and not yourself. Why?

I'm actually confronting myself in this because i have often dealt with a fear of success throughout life. A lot of people don't get how one can have a fear of the positive. I think with me its more so a fear of change. A fear of being odd or above average. I am not tooting a horn or raving about anything, I was just always separated by my peers as being slightly different in the way i think and visualize by teachers, even friends some family members and its because of this a part of me always wanted to "blend in". I began to grow into accepting who i am and am now taking it as a blessing, but a small part still battles myself.

To fight against yourself is brutal, never a winner, always a loser, nothing is ever good enough, nothing ever possible. everyone who sees potential sees nothing. crazy isn't it. Not a very good way to live your 20's by way. I'm still growing and finding out how to join opposing forces in to some kind of peace treaty. If only i could be Sweden =).

I'm re reading some of this right now and I'm beginning to ramble so I'll just say this I began writing this because this is how i confront myself, I'm posting this on my blog as a self sacrifice of some sort. maybe someone..anyone.. reading this feels the same. This is by no means an answer but an obvious question. Why do we battle ourselves? In my opinion asking yourself a question is the best why to find the most truthful answers.

mines are:
Why do you give so much of you for the benefit of other people's dreams?
Why is nothing ever good enough for you?
Why is it so easy to shy away from the spot light when others see the potential?

TOUGH lol =)

Pray for Me

Pray For Me

She said can you Pray for me?
Who better to pray for you then you?
To request the verbal vindication of a higher power in place of the one in need,
I pray for you I pray for you
two hands pressed. on bended knee or laying in bed looking at the ceiling
but what is it that i can say on your behalf? nothing better than you ever could.
I cant walk in your shoes I cant feel your mood,
see the ground as you jump of the building onto the pavements of lost beginning
I can only pray for what you indicate, one can only pray for what they want for you.
Pray for her, she is sick
But her soul wants to die when she has given up, no luck and her maker wants her by her side,
how can you pray one alive?
I wished the same while looking into my fathers eyes and the next night he to died.
I pray for you I'll pray that your grandson straightens up and flies right
I know you worry gangsters don't usually live long lives,
but he wants quick cash, women and status your praying for peace
he's praying that the weight of his powder is over a key
but i will continue to pray for you, just like I would want you to pray for me
send the positive energy up even if its not what i actually need or want
I need to breathe I'm closing in on a tunnel trying to find the light,
I stumble i fall I'm praying for a flashlight,
not the way out
I'm praying for success not monetary but the excitement of finding that i am not ordinary
I need peace of mind so pray for me you pray for my Sanity,
I ask for strength in me
I need love, I'm praying for support not a man
I need support not talking about fans
Paying for knowledge not praying for school
Nourishment but not food
See all I'm saying is who better to ask for what you want to receive than you
on bended knee, in serenity in peace, Pray for you
I'm praying for me
I'm praying for me
but i can pray for you to